High Meadows School · Lower Years · Keep this at your desk
Start with your own feeling
Don't start by guessing what the child wants. Start with your own gut reaction. It's the fastest reliable clue.
How do I feel right now? → find that row → that's the likely goal → try the last column. Then watch. If the behavior stops briefly and comes right back, or escalates, your first guess was wrong. Try another row.
The goal
When I feel
The child believes
What they need
So try this
Undue Attention
Annoyed, irritated, worried, guilty
"I belong only when you pay constant attention to me, or give me special service."
Notice me. Involve me usefully.
Redirect into a useful job. Say it once, then act. Nonverbal signal. Special time on the calendar. Stop the special service. Right guess if correcting it stops the behavior only briefly, then it resurfaces elsewhere.
Misguided Power
Angry, provoked, challenged, threatened, defeated
"I belong only when I'm the boss, or at least don't let you boss me."
Let me help. Give me choices.
Withdraw from the conflict. Decide what you will do, not what they must. Two limited choices. Ask their help setting the limit. Act, don't talk. Right guess if correcting it makes the behavior intensify.
Revenge
Hurt, disappointed, disbelieving, disgusted
"I don't belong and that hurts, so I'll get even by hurting others."
I'm hurting. Validate my feelings.
Go after the hurt, not the behavior: "Your behavior tells me you're hurt. Can we talk about that?" Reflective listening. No punishment, no retaliation. Right guess if correcting it makes it escalate or switch targets.
Assumed Inadequacy
Despair, hopeless, helpless. Like giving up.
"I give up. Leave me alone."
Don't give up on me. Show me a small step.
Break it into a step so small they can't fail. Stop all criticism. Encourage any attempt at all. Show faith out loud. Right guess if pushing makes them withdraw further.
Watch your own reflex, too. Reminding and coaxing feeds attention. Fighting or giving in feeds power. Getting even, or taking it personally, feeds revenge. Doing it for them feeds inadequacy. The reaction that comes most naturally is usually the one that keeps it going.
Kind and firm, at the same time
Kind without firm is permissive. Firm without kind is punitive. The word doing the work is AND, never BUT.
Validate the feeling.
"I know it's hard to stop playing, AND it's time for ______."
Show you understand.
"I understand why you'd rather keep reading, AND it's time for math."
Redirect.
"You don't want to put the blocks away, AND we'll do it together. Want to race?"
Limited choices.
"Do you want to do it now, or in two minutes? You pick."
Quick Reference, continued
Read the "can't or won't" box before you ever use the chart on the front
First ask: can't, or won't?
The four goals assume the child is making a choice about belonging. Sometimes they aren't, and the chart is the wrong tool.
Dysregulated right now. Reasoning is offline. Co-regulate first, talk later.
Skill isn't built yet — impulse control, turn-taking, waiting. Normal in the youngest.
Sensory or communication need, or anxiety driving avoidance. Not defiance.
Something happened at home — a death, a divorce, a new baby, a move.
Hungry, tired, sick, or a medication change.
If it's a can't, the answer is support, not a consequence. If you don't know why the behavior started, that not-knowing is the reason to ask for help, not the reason to guess.
The mistaken goal is your inference, made fast, on partial information. Before settling on it, ask once: would I read this the same way if this child looked different than they do?
Consequence, or punishment in disguise?
A logical consequence passes all four. Fail one and it's punishment, whatever you call it.
Related to the behavior.
Respectful — no blame, shame, or pain.
Reasonable in scope, from the child's side of it.
Helpful — it teaches, and the child had a hand in deciding it.
A child knocks over the block shelf. Consequence: help set it right before moving on. Punishment: lose recess. Only the first is related, respectful, and helpful.
When it isn't working
Needing help is not a failure. Asking early is the whole point of having a counselor in the building.
Handle it myself when ____________________________
Come find Mary when ____________________________
Go to an administrator when ______________________
Write it down when ______________________________
Before you act, five questions
Fail more than one and it isn't Positive Discipline yet, whatever it's called.
Does it help them feel connected — they belong here, they matter?
Is it kind and firm at once, not one or the other?
Will it still work in a month, or only for the next thirty seconds?
Does it teach a skill — self-regulation, problem-solving, concern for others?
Does it let them discover how capable they are, and use their power constructively?
Praise, or encouragement?
Praise judges the child and teaches them to need your approval. Encouragement hands the judging back to them.
"I'm so proud of you" → "You worked hard. You must be proud of yourself."
"I love your picture" → "Look at all the colors you used. Tell me about it."
"Great job!" → "You figured out how to do that."
"You're so smart" → "This was hard and you stuck with it."
Swapping "I love" for "I notice" isn't enough by itself. "I notice your picture is amazing" is still you doing the judging. Describe what you see, then ask them about it.
The calming corner
A place a child chooses, never a place you send them. The moment it becomes a consequence, it's a time-out with a nicer name.
Build it with the class, while everyone is calm. Let them name it.
Offer to go with them. A corner doesn't regulate a child. A calm adult does.
If a timer runs out and they're still upset, that's a check-in, not a cue to send them back to work.
If the same two or three children account for most of the use, that's information about support, not about the corner.
Practice Worksheet
Fill in the first three sections before you talk to anyone. Your first honest reaction is the data we need.
Name ____________________________ Scenario ______
Before you call anything a "consequence," test it: Related · Respectful · Reasonable · Helpful. Fail one and it's punishment, whatever you call it.
1 · Can't, or won't? — first, before anything else
Rule out a can't before you reach for a mistaken goal. Is a skill or regulation missing, or is this a choice about belonging? What makes you say so?
2 · My gut feeling — private, 60 seconds, no talking
Write your honest first reaction, not the one that sounds right. Then find it below.
A guess is fine. It's a hypothesis you're going to test, not a label you're putting on a child.
4 · The words I would actually say
Not a description of your approach. The sentence. Out loud, to a real eight-year-old.
"I know ________________________________________________________________
AND ________________________________________________________________"
Then the redirect, the choice, or the tool I'd reach for:
5 · Observer — fill this in for your partner
Watch, then check honestly. "Kind OR firm" is the most common miss.
Did they validate the feeling before anything else?
Was it kind AND firm, or only one of the two?
Did they offer a tool or a choice, rather than a demand?
Did they go after the belief, or just the behavior?
One thing I'd change on a second try:
6 · My commitment
One line, from today, that you will actually say out loud this week.
Tools to reach for (Nelsen & Lott, pp. 62–65) ·
Put it on the class meeting agenda ·
Calming corner, by invitation ·
Wheel of Choice ·
Redirection question ("how many of us think it's too noisy to concentrate?") ·
Problem-solving steps ·
Talk it over with an "I feel" statement ·
Agree on a solution together ·
Limited choices ·
Take time for training ·
Ask an adult for help